Want to see something remarkable? Go to 17:43 in this video, watch a few minutes, then fast forward to 42:25.
You’ll see two cousins who can’t talk politics figure out how they can.
“I think it’s absolutely insane that it’s even a public policy issue now, that city councils are even discussing what we do about these statues,” Kathy Camp says in the first segment, launching into her view that liberals are overreaching with calls to take down controversial monuments. “There are other inanimate objects that have really important value,” Matt Camp shoots back later, defending his own view. “Don’t tell me the US Capitol is not a significant place.”
Welcome to Helping Loved Ones Divided By Politics (HLO), a groundbreaking new Braver Angels program that goes further than ever to help real relatives through real political struggles, all in real time.
“When I ask people why they come to Braver Angels workshops, the two biggest reasons are that they’re worried about the country and they’re worried about their families,” says BA co-founder Bill Doherty, a renowned family therapist who coaches red/blue relatives at the live HLO event. “What we’ve done for years is workshops and trainings, but I think we learn best when we can get into the specifics of a relationship.”
‘Relationships with family are bigger than that’
Like all Braver Angels programs, this one takes a bit of courage from participants, especially for its most innovative segment—the enactment. That’s right: At each virtual event, Bill asks the featured pair to argue about a political issue precisely how they tend to in front of him, a panel of red/blue listeners, and a live audience that’s there to learn.
Kathy, a red in Florida, and Matt, her blue cousin in New York, know that the passion they bring to their respective day jobs in politics can get in the way of their relationship. So it made sense when Bill made a key observation about the way they argue: “You sounded like debaters,” he told them.
“You each made multiple points, and then the other picks the one they think is the weakest to respond to,” Bill added. “The personal part of two people who are family members that care about each other… that wasn’t there.”
But let’s back up to a critical question: What made Kathy and Matt want to be live-coached through their divides in the first place?
Matt works in government relations and writes a newsletter that leans progressive, CivicList. When he heard about HLO, he thought of Kathy. The two grew up in a close extended family. But what if he said the wrong thing and lost points with his friends on the left?
“That’s a risk I was willing to take,” he realized. “Relationships with family are bigger than that.”
When Matt reached out to Kathy—a Republican political strategist—she, too, was afraid she’d say the wrong thing in public. But she was tired of how polarization keeps her and Matt from growing closer, especially when they want to talk about the work they love. Besides, what if others can learn from their struggles?
‘He didn’t leave us out there to hang’
The fear of being vulnerable, Bill said, is precisely why he put a strong guardrail at the center of the experience: Bill himself.
“I’m not going to let them fail,” Bill told me. And he didn’t.
“That was the most reassuring part—he didn’t leave us out there to hang,” Kathy said. “I was afraid I would look stupid and he was there to make sure I wouldn’t.”
After hearing their first argument, Bill gave Matt and Kathy three big tips: start softer; let the other person respond after a point or two (instead of ten); and begin your responses with a connection to something your cousin just said—whether it’s a small agreement, a shared value, whatever comes.
After Matt and Kathy tried those tips in a second round of their argument (watch at 42:25!), it felt more like a conversation, and that’s when they knew they were onto something good.
How good? The cousins already communicate more, trading texts and notes. They even started scheming about how they might launch depolarizing candidates into elected office.
The impact’s gone beyond their relationship, too. “It’s changed how I parent,” Kathy told me, recalling how Bill’s advice helped her through a standoff with her daughter. When Matt heard that a politically mixed couple in his network appreciated the video, it made a successful experience all the better.
“The feedback from Bill is something that’s embedded in my mind,” he said. “I’m not going to forget it.”
Want Bill to help you out?
We’re looking for more pairs of loved ones to coach. Is it you?
💌 Apply to Participate in a future Helping Loved Ones Divided by Politics
✅ Sign up to Attend the next Helping Loved Ones Divided By Politics
Sept. 25 at 5 p.m. ET
Got questions? Send them to familydivides@braverangels.org.
